Lessons from '24'...

Proper pronunciation of people’s first names could deter budding teenaged extremists from playing crucial roles in sinister nuclear plots.

Biting someone in the jugular to free oneself from a torture-chair isn’t usually taught in the Boy Scouts, but should be.

When two brothers - who are Brothas - each become President, suddenly the impending apocalypse makes much more sense.

The short, curly-haired dude with the squeaky voice, rambling vocabulary, and stuffy banker-blazer that lectures your boss should never be trusted…he should be beaten. Zero-tolerance for little-man-syndrome.

Racial profiling occurs almost as often in the hunt for suspected fanatics as it does at the Sig Ep house at major public Universities… except id rather give up my freedom in a detainment camp then miss out on nightly encounters with desperately inebriated co-eds. When’s the Tri-Delt mixer again?

Jack Bauer is badder than Rocky, William Wallace, Bond, Maximus, the Terminator, and even that pretty boy, arrow-flinging elf from Lord of the Rings.

Kal Penn aka ‘Kumar’ aka ‘Taj’ aka 'Akhhmedd' is officially the worst underdog to make it to the Big Dance in Hollywood history… the sheer fact that this dude shares a scene with Jack Bauer is inspiration enough for me to quit my day job, live out of my car on Ventura Blvd, and enroll in some hole-in-the-wall acting class… My cat can act better than this guy... Ok fine! I'm jealous and I'm hating. So what!

Hot, sexy, petite brunettes have no business working in the Counter Terrorism Unit. They should work in the office across from me… in tastefully revealing outfits.

It is ALWAYS an inside-job…